Wow, as we head into December 2020, I still can’t quite fathom what all happened this year. I think for many of us it was difficult, unnerving, exhausting, rewarding, strengthening, scary, and the fastest yet slowest year ever. I definitely went through the gambit of emotions.
For myself, with the crazy rollercoaster my life has been in the past...I’d actually say this year has been one of, if not the most eye opening and transformative year. It forced me to reprioritize my life. It forced me to look at myself and ask “WHO AM I”.
Have you ever tried to ask yourself that question? “WHO AM I” and “WHAT IS MY PURPOSE”. Well, let me tell you, it’s a tough one to answer. It set me on a self discovery journey. Like a 3 year old who asks a lot of “why” questions.
First off, it required me to step out of what I “knew” of who I was. It forced me to get off the hamster wheel of life, and disconnect from my autopilot existence.
Isn’t it weird how the craziest times can also be the most rewarding times. It’s like the more raw and vulnerable we are, people will either show up, be silent or drift away. I dare you to be authentic and see what happens.
Let me be clear, CHANGE IS GOOD, change is necessary. I don’t know why we try to prevent change? Why do we wish to freeze time and be “this” person forever? We are meant to grow.
That got me thinking, why do we strive to create our identity by the time we are like 25? It’s like we got the job, the family, the friends and then we want to press pause. No growth necessary. We become perfectly comfortable being that person forever. Like that’s the “American dream” everyone talks about.
But why?
I’ve had to unlearn some things... and question everything.
Have I become a product of what I’ve been told my entire life? Do this, then do that, .. in that order. Believe this, but don’t believe that, this is ok, but not that. Learn this, but don’t ask about that, these are your strengths, these are your weaknesses. Put it all together and you get me, Kayla.
So I stopped and started looking within, instead of settling on this version of who others are comfortable with me being, I’ve decided to ask questions.
— this is the part when I admit it, yes I asked BIG questions, like about the THE BIG GUY—
I felt comfortable with this, you know why, because I believe. The question was never IF I believed, but more specifically who or what is God? In what frame work has God been placed in for me to “understand” ? ...which is comical, because for anyone to think they have God figured out is just ridiculous and beyond arrogant.
I am learning how to be ok with God being one of those things I can’t fully grasp. While also recognizing that “HE” is not as small as the concept of a man floating in the sky judging people. Unfortunately some cultures have created this image so that we can “understand” God and therefore not feel guilty when we're using our religion as a weapon to hurt people. Hurt meaning, judging, criticizing, and oppressing others.
—- so back to the journey— (Religion vs. Spirituality I will save for another blog)
I spent some time doing my own research and deciding for myself what feels authentic to my soul. This has been extremely difficult because it’s like deconstructing the idea of who you are, what you believe and truly start ASKING QUESTIONS. What if we sat and thought about why we do this, or go along with that? Get off the hamster wheel lol, like serious, stop going through the motions. Do what sets you on fire, start a new journey, make some new friends, set some new boundaries and don’t waste time with bullshit.
Take some accountability for the stuff you don’t love about your life. Take an inventory, make some changes and get aligned with your life purpose.
Ok, I’m starting to sound like a self help book. Anyway, my point, I have been trying to optimize my growth by allowing myself to ask questions and be authentic to ME. I don’t need to keep showing up as who society is comfortable with me being. I am on my own path and I just want to do what serves my highest good. I will always be rooted in love and kindness. God will always know my hearts intentions, even if the world doesn’t.
My Point of View - Kayla